


goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get married (goin' to the chapel of love)

by makemelovely



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/F, F/M, Lesbian Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Minor Jonathan Byers/Steve Harrington/Nancy Wheeler, Minor Maxine "Max" Mayfield/Lucas Sinclair, Pining, Unrequited Love, Weddings, like.... really angsty okay, this is really angsty u guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 02:55:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18540865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makemelovely/pseuds/makemelovely
Summary: Jane is getting married, and Max can't breathe all of a sudden.





	goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get married (goin' to the chapel of love)

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this since like January and I finally met my word count goal!!! hope u guys enjoy this unedited mess of angst and gay pining.

“Max!” Jane Hopper flings open the door to her best friend’s apartment, face flushed and eyes shining. Max jumps to her feet, cursing under her breath as she drops her controller on her foot and trips over the wires. “I’m getting married!” She shouts, practically flying into Max’s arms.

 

Max instinctively hugs her close, arms encircling her friend’s waist as her body kicks into autopilot. Her heart which had been beating rapidly at the sight of Jane in her cute pink sweater now thuds sluggishly against her ribs. “Jane, that’s, um, really awesome. So, Wheeler finally popped the question, huh?” Max whispers through a mouthful of Jane’s hair.

 

Max’s body burns with warmth when she feels Jane smile against her neck, wide and happy. “Yeah. It was-” Jane cuts herself off, sighing dreamily. Her breath puffs against Max’s neck, and fuck Max is so gone for this girl. “Max, it was  _ amazing.  _ Mike is the sweetest most thoughtful person ever, and I’m so lucky to have him.” Jane pulls back, beaming, and Max thinks that her face is so close she could just lean in a little and close the gap. She thinks about kissing Jane then and there, kissing her until she’s breathless and bubbling over with warmth from Max’s lips. Max thinks about it,  _ really  _ thinks about it.

 

She doesn't do it. She  _ can't  _ do it. Jane is happy with Mike, and all Max wants is for Jane to be happy. Sure, she wishes that Jane would be happy with her, but mostly she wants Jane to be happy even if it is with Mike Wheeler. That’s all she’s ever wanted.

 

**_Eleven years ago_ **

 

_ “Mayfield, Max?” _

 

_ Max looks up from her desk, running a hand through her hair when the teacher calls her name for attendance. “Here.” Max mumbles, face slowly flushing red as the whole class stares at her. “I guess Hawkins, Indiana doesn't get many new students, huh?” She mutters, pointedly focusing on her notebook. _

 

_ The girl next to her giggles, leaning over to whisper to her. “Not really, no. You’re the first in eight years.” _

 

_ Max smiles nervously, her stomach twisting at the scent of her perfume. “I guess I got a sick reputation to live up to.” She says, half joking. Hey, kids’ll start some weird fucking rumors. _

 

_ The girl grins, reaching a hand out. “I’m Jane.” _

 

_ Max feels tension seep out of her body, but Jane’s pretty smile twists her stomach up in knots that aren't caused by stress. “Max.” _

 

_ “Wanna sit with me and my friends at lunch?” _

 

_ A grin, small but blinding. “Sure.” _

 

**_Present Day_ **

 

Jane sleeps in Max’s bed that night, eager for a sleepover so she can spend the night gushing about Mike to somebody who is, well,  _ not  _ Mike.

 

Max stays awake for half the night, telling herself to breathe normally in an attempt to slow her pounding heart. Jane is curled around her, arm wrapped around her waist and breath puffing softly against Max’s neck.

 

Max turns her head just the slightest bit, making sure her body is still and flat against the mattress. Jane’s fingers twitch against her hip, and Max wants to curl closer. She hates that she watches her sleep because it feels like an invasion of privacy, like she’s taking  _ advantage  _ of Jane’s trust in her or something.

 

“I love you.” Max whispers, more of an exhale of breath and actual speech. Jane sighs softly in her sleep, warmth lazily drifting closer to Max. Max revels in the body heat Jane provides. She complains sometimes that Mike is warmer than her so it feels like sleeping in an inferno, but maybe Max is the missing piece to Jane. Maybe then they’ll be slot together perfectly, clicking in a way that makes perfect sense.

 

At this point, Max will take any hope she can get.

 

**_Eleven years ago_ **

 

_ Max finds Jane sitting with a group of dorky looking guys, and she thinks for a minute that it’s, like, a pity thing, but then she sees Jane and some tall guy holding hands on the table, and her heart does this weird sinking thing in her chest. _

 

_ “Max!” Jane waves with her free hand, a plastic fork clutched in her hand. A fry is skewered on it, and Max can't help but laugh a little bit. _

 

_ “Um, hi. I’m Max. I met Jane in English, and she invited me to sit with you guys.” Max says, the introduction incredibly awkward to say the least. _

 

_ The boy across from her smiles brightly, showing off his undeveloped teeth. “Hi! I’m Dustin. Do you want your pudding?” He pointed to the chocolate pudding cup on Max’s tray with a warm look in his brown eyes. _

 

_ “Do you want to grow up and grow all your teeth?” Max replies snarkily, eager to build up witty banter with them. There’s a moment of stunned silence that allows Max’s words to really sink in, and her eyes widen. “Shit, dude, I’m so sorry-” _

 

_ “No, it’s chill.” Dustin nods, curly hair bouncing. He doesn't seem offended which is a major plus. “I have-” he started before stating some, like, medical term or whatever that Max didn't catch and didn't actually want to ask about because who wants to be the Question Girl? _

 

_ “...Cool.” Max nods briskly, already shifting to look at the dark-skinned boy by Dustin. _

 

_ “Sinclair. Lucas Sinclair.” He shrugs suavely, his varsity baseball jacket moving with the movement of his shoulders. _

 

_ “Okay, Bond Knock-Off. Baseball is your sport of choice, I’m guessing.” Max gestures to the jacket, frowning when her sleeve drags through a bit of the plain mashed potatoes on Jane’s plate. Her quiet laughter makes up for the accident, and Max is pretty sure she’s glowing brighter than the sun. _

 

_ “Yeah. Baseball is just, I don't know,  _ challenging  _ in a way that makes me want to do better. It’s not like football where I don't really try to better myself. Baseball is special.” Lucas shares, a fond smile on his face. _

 

_ “That’s really sweet, Sinclair. Lucas Sinclair.” Max throws the verbal jab at him gently, more of a toss than an actual throw. _

 

_ “I’m never living that down, am I?” He groans. _

 

_ The boy holding Jane’s hand who had been glaring suspiciously at her takes a break to laugh. “Not a chance.” _

 

_ “Damn.” _

 

_ “Hi,” a pale boy with brown hair and a bowl cut smiles tentatively, reaching out a hand. Max shakes it, resisting the urge to flinch at his cold hands. She shivers a little, rubbing her hands on her jeans quickly and discreetly. “I’m Will Byers.” _

 

_ “I’m Mike Wheeler, by the way.” The boy with Jane introduces himself. “So, Max, how do you feel about the AV Club?” He asks, dark eyes serious. Will rolls his brown eyes, and Dustin and Lucas lean in and mutter something, voices so low that Max can't quite catch what they’re saying. _

 

_ Max shrugs, biting into the burger she’d grabbed. It isn't terrible, but it isn't good, either. It’s kind of bland, actually. “I mean, it’s totally lame, but if some nerds want to screw around with technology then whatever.” _

 

_ Mike glares, but Jane laughs. “I feel the same way. Um, but in a nice way?” She squeaks at the frown Mike shoots her. “I’m just not that good with tech.” Jane explains, sharing a smile with Max. She bumps their shoulders together. “We’re going to be good friends, Max.” _

 

_ “Yeah?” Max smiles shyly at her, face flushing slightly and her heart beating rapidly in her chest. _

 

_ Jane’s smile is as bright as the sun, and Max is dazzled. “Totally.” _

 

**_Present Day_ **

 

Max wakes up with a dry mouth and tired eyes.  At some point during the night she had begun crying. Jane is sleeping still, eyes closed and gently snoring. Max wonders what she’s dreaming about. If she’s dreaming about anything at all.

 

Her phone buzzes, and Max flips it so she can see who is calling.

 

_ Mike (my fiance!!!) Wheeler  _ is calling. Max shakes Jane, but the smaller girl just sighs and shuffles closer.

 

Max reluctantly answers the phone, bracing herself to hear Mike’s cheerful celebratory engaged voice.

 

“Jane? Hey, I know you said that we should wait around like a year or so to get married but the uh garden place with lots of flowers and stuff has an opening in a couple of months so I thought-” Mike rambles, and Max can see him clear as day running a hand through his unruly hair.

 

“Let me stop you right there, Wheeler. Jane is sleeping.” Max says, biting her lip and trying not to cry.  _ Fuck, they’re probably going to get married in a couple of months.  _ Max thinks, heart aching. She thought she had more time.

 

“Oh.” There’s a beat of silence. “I can call back later?” He offers, sounding like he’s expecting her to refute that idea.

 

“Okay.” Max mumbles, hitting the end call button. She sets Jane’s phone aside, burrowing back under the blankets. She almost cries out when she feels an arm snake around her waist. Jane presses sleepily against her back, body heat transferring to Max.

 

“M-” Jane breathes, the rest of the name getting cut off as Jane presses her face against Max’s shoulder blade, the name swallowed up the cotton of Max’s shirt.

 

Max never knows who Jane is calling for in that moment, but she knows who she’d like it to be.

 

**_Ten Years Ago_ **

 

_ Realizing you’re in love with your best friend sure fucking sucks, Max thinks. Realizing it when you’re on a double date with her double sucks. _

 

_ They’re in the middle of the movie, and Max can feel Lucas reaching out to hold her hand. Her stomach drops immediately, but she lets him reach out to hold her hand. Lucas turns and smiles at her, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on her skin. She smiles back, but it feels more like a grimace. _

 

_ “Sorry,” she whispers. “My hand is sweaty.” She lies, glancing past Lucas to Mike and Jane. They’re leaning close together, cuddling and sneaking kisses when the movie lulls. It lulls a lot, and Max is cursing Dustin’s shit taste in movies.  _ It’ll be fun!  _ he had promised.  _ Please just let me plan your date. I even have a movie picked out!

 

_ He had made a good plea, and Max had decided it was a risk worth taking. “This movie sucks.” Max complains, looking at Jane from the corner of her eye. She looks happy, Max thinks. _

 

_ “It’s not so bad,” Lucas defends it. He smiles, easy and sweet. God, Max wishes she loved him. She wishes she  _ wanted  _ to love him. “Besides, I’m here.” He puts his arm around her, navy blue jacket warm against her neck. His hand rests on her shoulder, a casual intimacy that makes her uneasy. _

 

_ Max swallows back an apology, forces the ‘sorry' to die on her tongue. She smiles instead, imbues enough warmth to keep him from worrying into the pink of her lips. “Yeah.” She reaches up, tangles her fingers with his, all the while hating herself for wishing he was Jane. “You’re here.” _

 

_ The rest of the movie passes in anxious silence and long stares at the girl she’s not really here with. _

 

_ Afterwards, she takes him outside. It’s raining, more than a drizzle but less than an actual storm. Immediately Lucas takes his jacket off and helps her into it. “Always the gentleman.” Max teases, leans forward and hugs him tightly. _

 

_ The smile on Lucas’s face is bright, but not blinding. That’s the difference. “Anything for my girl.” _

 

_ Max stiffens, and Lucas pulls away. His fingers are slick with rain, and Max wants to kiss him until she feels something. Max knows, though, that no matter how many times she kisses him that she will never feel what she's supposed to feel. _

 

_ “Max?” His voice sounds far away, and Max realizes then that she's crying. The rain hides it pretty well, but they do have minimal covering. Will he notice? “Baby, what’s wrong?” He asks again. There's a crack of thunder, and rain begins pouring from the sky. They’re soaked in seconds, and poor Lucas is shaking almost instantaneously. _

 

_ Jane and Mike are probably making out in his car, Max thinks resentfully. “Lucas,” Max mutters, wet hands clasping his arms. She can hear the chatter of his teeth despite the sound of the rain, and she feels absolutely miserable about all of this. “Lucas, I can't do this anymore.” _

 

_ His face changes immediately. He doesn't back away, doesn't retreat. Just looks at her like she’s hit him with her car. His jaw moves, clenches slightly, but he's not angry. The tears in his eyes indicate sadness, not anger. “Is this about Dustin?” He says eventually. _

 

_ Max would've jerked back in surprise had she not felt rooted to the spot. “What?” She mumbles, voice low. _

 

_ Lucas doesn't hear her, and the wounded look in his eyes makes her stomach sink all the way to her shoes. “He said he’d back off! He said that since you chose me he’d back off. Did he try to, uh, pursue you?” _

 

_ “What?” Max says stupidly. “No, no. Dustin didn't do anything. But, Lucas-” _

 

_ He closes his eyes, shoulders shaking, and Max presses on. “Lucas, I never chose you.” His eyes snap open, heartbreak clear in his brown eyes. Max feels like she’s ruined something, maybe ruined everything. “I never spent any time with Dustin, not really. And—and you asked me first so I said yes.” Max explains, heart hammering in her chest. _

 

_ Her explanation only devastates Lucas further. He wheels backwards, footing shaky on the wet sidewalk. He’s crying, and Max wants to comfort him, but that wouldn't exactly help him. He looks at her like she's ruined something, and she's inclined to agree. _

 

_ “So you never really liked me?” He questions, voice wobbly and strained with the effort of ruining every moment of their relationship. _

 

_ She takes a deep breath, and answers honestly. “No.” She says. _

 

_ “Then why did you date me? Shit, Max, just tell me you aren't into me.” Lucas stuffs his hands in his pockets which only emphasizes the movement of his shoulders. _

 

_ “I don't know, Lucas.” _

 

_ “Jesus, Max, I  _ love  _ you.” He cries out. _

 

_ “You’re my best friend.” Max responds helplessly. There's no fixing this. _

 

_ “Jane is your best friend, Max. I should've been more than that.” Lucas defends. “We've dated for ages.” _

 

_ Max flinches, something tightening in her chest. “Jane is—” more than that. But she can't tell him that, can she? “Let’s not bring Jane into this, Lucas. Okay?” She’s tired, so fucking tired. _

 

_ “Did she know you were gonna dump me tonight?” He demands, and Max wants to melt into the ground. _

 

_ “No. No, Lucas,  _ I  _ didn't even know I was going to end things until tonight.” Lightning flashes against the dark sky, and Max rubs at her eyes. _

 

_ Lucas shakes his head slowly, exhaustion shadowing his face. He closes himself off, and it's the first time he's done that to Max. He’s always been an open book, but now she couldn't even guess what he was feeling. _

 

_ “I didn't want to lead you on.” Max tries, the words rubbery but sincere. _

 

_ “A little too late, don't you think?” Lucas arches an eyebrow, face falling when Max winces. “Sorry, that was harsh. I’m just—hurting, but I shouldn't take it out on you. I’m sorry.” _

 

_ Max peels off his navy blue jacket, awkwardly thrusting it at him. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Lucas. Come on, I’ll drive you home.” _

 

_ The car ride is painfully awkward and unbearably tense. Max’s relief is palpable when she gets home. She changes into her warmest pajamas and flops into her bed. Sleep comes easy, but she has nightmares about the world as she knows it burning to ash, and it's all her fault. Lucas keeps asking her if she wants his help, but she ignores him in favor of staring pleadingly, longingly at Jane. She never offers to help, and she doesn't even look at Max. The world burns all away, and Jane doesn't speak once. Max keeps looking at her, waiting for something that will never happen. _

 

**_Present Day_ **

 

(6:53 pm) hey are you busy tomorrow at like idk sevenish?

 

**(6:55 pm) uh yeah anything for u jane**

 

**(6:56 pm) but like why??**

 

(6:59 pm) I have a few places I'd like for u to ‘zoom' by

 

(7:00 pm) haha get it bc ur the Zoomer

 

**(7:03 pm) yeah jane i get it**

 

Max shuts her phone off, curling up in bed. She pulls her knees to her chest, and falls asleep wishing she could pull Jane close and fall asleep holding her.

 

It’s nothing more but an indulgent wish, a fantasy filled with longing and lacking any base of reality. It doesn't really matter what she wants, though. Jane will never want her back, and she'll just have to live with that.

 

She  _ is  _ living with that, technically, but she suspects she's not doing a very good job.

 

**_Ten Years Ago_ **

 

_ “You broke up with Lucas?” Jane asks, dropping into the seat beside Max. Her lunch tray makes an awkwardly loud clanging noise as she drops it, but nobody really acknowledges it. Max is kind of relieved. _

 

_ Max shrugs, stabbing at her meatloaf with a disgusted look on her face. She opts to ignore the gross mystery meatloaf in favor of the two puddings she’s grabbed. She quickly sticks a spoonful of chocolate pudding into her mouth to give her time to think of an answer. _

 

_ Jane gives her a look, brown eyes dark and serious. Max swallows abruptly, hating the slight disappointment in Jane’s eyes. “Um, yeah. I did break up with Lucas.” _

 

_ Jane slumps slightly, confusion written all over her face. “Why? Max, it was going so well, wasn't it? You guys were so, like, happy and fun.” _

 

_ “It just wasn't right for me, Jane. I didn't like him the way he liked me. It was never going to end well.” Max avoids looking at her, hoping that she won't ask Max to elaborate. _

 

_ “Okay, but you didn't have to hurt him that badly.” Max bites down hard on her lower lip. “He was so devastated.” _

 

_ “Would you rather I have led him on?” Max snaps, a furious blush spreading across her cheeks. “Maybe date him the rest of my life and pretend I like him like that?” _

 

_ Jane gapes at her. “Well, no, I guess just thought we’d all get married together, you know?” Jane blushes. “A double wedding with Mike and me and you and Lucas. It’s silly.” _

 

_ “Yeah.” Max says. “You can't be upset that I broke up with Lucas because your wedding plans went out the drain. That’s not fair to me or Lucas.” Max points out, cheeks flushed. Her heart is beating irrationally fast, and it's pissing her off. _

 

_ Jane looks absolutely wounded for a long moment, mouth hanging open and blinking, like, fifty times in a minute. “I know that, Max. Jesus, I was just surprised, you know? You and Lucas were so, I don't know, solid? I guess. You guys were just constants that I relied on. I feel like my feet just got yanked out from under me, okay.” _

 

_ Max looks away, catching Mike’s eye. He's awkwardly holding his tray, knuckles tightly gripping his tray. “Um, Dustin and Lucas are eating in the courtyard today. Will’s got an art project so it's just us today.” He explains, sliding in beside Jane and taking her hand. He uses his other hand to open his milk while Jane starts popping French fries in her mouth, and the ease with which they operate shakes Max to her core. _

 

_ Hsr throat burns, and her chest feels tight. She jolts to her feet, chair scraping against the ground. Jane and Mike turn in unison, concern plainly written on their faces. “I—I’ve got to, um, go. It’s—yeah.” She finishes lamely, sucking in air to ease the flames licking along her lungs. Every inch of her body feels like it’s on fire. She’s hot, uncomfortable, and there's an ache between her ribs and lungs that will never be soothed. She wishes she could squeeze her feelings for Jane out of her, but it’s not as easy as wringing out your hair or a towel after you go swimming or take a shower. It’s painful. It feels like she’s taken a bullet, like she’s been shot and her ears are still ringing. Her body stings from an impact that she’s never felt, and all she wants to do is leave. _

 

_ Her legs are wobbly when she manages to get out of the cafeteria, her lunch tray abandoned on the table. She finds her way to the bathroom. She sinks against the ground, struggling to breathe. There’s a boulder pressing against her shoulder blades, heavy and solid. She’s being crushed under its weight. _

 

_ She curls up tightly, legs folded against her torso. Her eyes are wet, and she scrubs roughly at her face. Time passes, but the bell doesn't ring. _

 

_ Eventually, Max gets to her feet and stares at her reflection. Her face is pink, and she looks like she’s been crying. She pushes her hair away from her face, splashes water onto her heated face, and heads to chemistry. _

 

**_Present Day_ **

 

Jane is buzzing with excitement when Max gets there. It’s a tiny bakery with light colored walls and too bright lights and bells hanging above the door to alert people that somebody is coming in. Max squints at Jane who is sitting alone with a table of cake slices in front of her.

 

Max lifts one hand into an almost wave, and slides into an empty seat by Jane. “Hey. What’s going on here?” She asks.

 

Jane grins, but her eyes are a little dim. “I thought you could accompany me to taste wedding cakes.” She says it hesitantly, and Max throws her a reassuring smile.

 

“Totally. Um, where is Wheeler, though? Shouldn’t he be here instead of me?” Max broaches the subject cautiously, careful to not upset the bride-to-be.

 

Jane’s smile slips. “Yeah.” She sighs softly. “He’s been really busy lately because of work. It’s dumb, but I wish he was here more.” She peeks at Max beneath her lashes, and the redhead is struck suddenly by the fact that Jane is beautiful. Absolutely stunning, but what else is new? She shakes her head, forcing a smile that stretches awkwardly across her face. She laughs, the sound far too bright to be real. “I’m being silly. Forget about it, Max. Really.” She adds after Max shoots a doubtful look her way.

 

“Okay.” Max relents because she’d do anything for Jane. She would leap off a cliff, terror bounding bright in her ribs. A fear that would be soothed as she crashed into the sea below because  _ Jane told her to.  _ Anything in the world could be Jane’s if she only asked.

 

“I would lasso the moon down for you if I could see you smile.” Max imagines saying. She imagines the bright look in her eyes as the moon shines only for her, and Max wishes desperately that she could or that maybe Jane would ask.

 

She wishes desperately is all.

 

They eat cake. Gross carrot cake (“This is what Wheeler wants to eat at his wedding? Jesus Christ.”) and sweet red velvet cake (“Max, you’ve got to try this!”) and rich chocolate cake (“This is literally heaven.”) and Max is  _ happy.  _ So happy it sticks between her ribs like gum, hardening and stiffening and building up. She imagines scraping out all the gunk and coming away with pieces of Jane smiling out at her, shining like a million stars.

 

She can pretend for a minute that Jane loves her back because sometimes she needs to do that. Sometimes there are moments when her heart overflows with emotions she can’t share, and she has no choice but to share them or swallow them or drown in fantasies she won’t ever be able to achieve.

 

Jane tilts her head, grinning in a way that softens all of her features. Max swallows, chokes a bit, and decides that maybe drowning won’t be so bad.

 

The sound of bells, Jane’s face lighting up so fucking bright, and footsteps. Jane’s face lights up, and Max  _ knows.  _ Mike strides in confidently, a thousand apologies on his lips.

 

“Jane, I’m so sorry I’m late.” He drops to his knees, long legs bending awkwardly. “I was so caught up with work that I didn't even think about our wedding. I just kind of thought of it as  _ yours,  _ you know? It’s not, though. It’s  _ ours _ and I want to be a part of planning it. I’m so sorry that I just left you to plan all this alone, okay? I’m gonna work as hard as I can to make this up to you, alright?” His words run together, fast then slow then fast. A tangled mess of apologies and promises that brush away any lingering sadness or anger that Jane might have felt.

 

Jane nods, smiling brighter than the sun. “I love you, Mike.” She wraps her arms around his neck, and buries her face into his shoulder.

 

Max feels like she’s intruding.

 

“I love you more than you could possibly know.” Mike replies, a look of pure adoration on his face.

 

_ No,  _ Max thinks selfishly.  _ No,  _ I  _ love her more than she could possibly know. She knows how much you love her, Wheeler. Anybody with eyes can see how much you love her. _

 

(Jane chooses chocolate and Max wants to love her the right way. The selfless way.)

 

**_Eight Years Ago_ **

 

_ Moving all of your stuff back into a kind of shitty apartment that is actually super close to campus but is still kind of shitty sucks. _

 

_ Max is sweating her ass off. It’s gross, and the red tank top she’s wearing is sticking to her back. Her shoulders are mildly sunburnt, red hot to the touch. Max scraped her hair back, balancing a box on her hip and reluctantly kicking a soccer ball towards the front of the apartment building. _

 

_ She steps into the building, relief washing over her as her body quickly adjusted to the air conditioning. “Fuck, it’s so hot out.” She mumbles, heading for the elevator. She manages to hit the open button with her elbow, and her balance is only a little thrown off when the elevator begins to move. _

 

_ The apartment is tiny and cramped, but she and Jane are able to have separate bedrooms and a relatively big bathroom so she can't really complain. She drops her box with a grunt, awkwardly kicking the soccer ball down the hall. _

 

_ “Ready for trip two?” Jane asks, face flushed a bright shade of red. Her brown curls are damp with sweat, an unfortunate mixture of heat and exertion. _

 

_ “You know it.” Max mutters, rolling her shoulders back. _

 

_ Jane grins at her, feather light and delicate. A sliver of a star, Max thinks. “Aw, Max, your shoulders.” Jane notices, reaching out and ghosting her hand along the curve of Max’s shoulder. Her fingers are warm and slightly sweaty, but Max leans into the touch. _

 

_ Max smiles shakily. “Yeah,” she says. “I guess I’m getting too much sun.” She looks firmly at Jane, but her voice is quiet. She needs to be firmer, she needs to show Jane that she is ready for something more. She is ready for something bigger than herself. _

 

_ Jane grins, looking effervescent in her yellow t-shirt. The smell of coconut suntan lotion fills up the apartment, and Max drowns a little under the scent. Jane’s hair is impossibly messy, and her skin is tanned from weeks spent soaking in the sun. Max scratches at her shoulder to keep from doing something stupid like reaching out to touch the prettiest girl she’s ever met. _

 

_ Jane is glowing. Her eyes are bright and her smile is brighter. Max wishes she had sunglasses because Jane is the human form of the sun. Shining and warm and utterly effortless. She’s gorgeous, and Max is simply awestruck in her presence. _

 

_ Jane turns for the stairs, a million words and hundreds of confessions dying on Max’s tongue. A second later and Jane would’ve known everything. Max would swear by it. _

 

_ (A second passes in one universe, and Max says nothing. A minute, a day, a year, a  _ lifetime.  _ Max chokes on her silence. She never says anything.) _

 

_ (In another universe a second passes, and Max says everything. She confesses her feelings, her love, the secret she’s carried nestled in her chest. There’s a fifty-fifty shot, but this isn’t the kind of story where everything works out. This isn’t the kind of story where Max says something and it’s all sunshine and daffodils. Max swallows around her words, teeth locked in place. This is the kind of story where the silence builds and accumulates.) _

 

**_Present Day_ **

 

There’s an appointment Max has made for dress shopping. Jane is going to look beautiful, face bright and cheery and absolutely positively happy. She’s  _ happy,  _ and maybe that should make Max miserable but it doesn’t. She’s thrilled that Jane is smiling more than she ever did before. A bitter part of her twinges every time Jane sighs the sigh of wedded bliss, but she ignores it.

 

Max will  _ not  _ let her feelings for Jane interfere with their relationship. Jane may be more than a best friend to her, but she knows without a shadow of a doubt that she is Jane’s best friend.

 

Best friends are supposed to be happy for each other, and Max can be happy for her. Really she can. It’s just hard when Jane looks so beautiful in her wedding dress, turning for Max’s opinion because the groom is busy and apparently believes in that superstition about not seeing the bride’s dress before the wedding or whatever.

 

Jane looks absolutely stunning, her face open and joyful as she spins a bit in her wedding dress. The fabric flies as she moves, and maybe Max can’t swallow her feelings anymore. She imagines catching Jane mid-spin, confession after confession flying from her lips as easy as it is hard. She imagines that tight hold in her chest loosening, something cracking off and crumbling away. Maybe Jane loves her back, but she just can’t see it. Maybe if Max says something then Jane will realize. It’ll be a movie moment; her eyes wide and mouth gaping open. They could be something. They could be brilliant.

 

But there’s a ring on Jane’s finger that makes all the difference.

 

Max shakes the fantasies away like a fog, a bad dream permeating in the air. She tears her eyes away from the ring and tries to focus on the light smile on her face. She looks like a breeze, all sweetness and gentle touches that ghost along your skin for days afterwards. Max reminds herself that everything she’s done has been for Jane. Always, always for Jane.

 

It’s never been anyone else.

 

(Max never had a chance. A million universes out there, and she loves Jane is any universe that they meet. Sometimes she loves her before she even knows her like when Jane is just a name stamped on her wrist in thick black letters. She never had a chance.)

 

**_Five Years Ago_ **

 

_ The annual Wheeler Christmas party is kind of a bummer now that Ted is gone. Don’t get her wrong, Ted was a complete douche. Now, though, there are long silences and Karen spends a lot of time turning to say something to a partner who was never really present. It’s awkward to say the least. _

 

_ It’s more awkward now that Nancy brings her boyfriends along, Steve hanging on her shoulder like a puppy with a charming smile and Jonathan brooding with Will in the corner and whispering to Will that Christmas music is absolute shit. It’s pleasant to see Steve smooth Jonathan’s hair back and watch as nobody flinches or recoils. It makes Max ache for Jane to hold her. _

 

_ She can’t is the thing. Jane is too busy letting Mike hold her. A bit of resentment creeps up Max’s throat, toxic and sharp in all the usual suffocating ways. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” she wants to say to them. “I wasn’t supposed to be in love with you.” She wants to share with Jane, wants to tell her every secret thought she’s had about her. That she’s gorgeous and smart and perfect in the way that makes it clear that Max has no expectations about her. Max doesn’t want Jane to be perfect because nobody is perfect and Jane shouldn’t have to struggle to fit an impossible mold. _

 

_ She doesn't want to do that to Jane. _

 

_ Instead she asks Nancy stupid questions about whatever job or internship thing she’s got going on, and Nancy changes the talk to her boyfriends and it’s all soft and happy and it hurts. _

 

_ “Ew,” Max says before she starts crying. “I can't stand to hear about all this mushy crap. Congrats, though.” She adds because that sounded rude as hell. “I’m really happy for you guys.” _

 

_ Nancy nods, looking happier than Max has ever seen her. She smoothes a piece of Max’s hair, and watches Steve try to make a millionth good impression on her mother. There’s a fond exasperation there, and Max finds herself lingering in the bits of Nancy’s peripherals. _

 

_ Nancy turns to look at her, raising an expectant eyebrow. “What’s up, Max?” _

 

_ “I broke up with Lucas because I didn't love him.” She blurts out. _

 

_ Nancy glances around before leading Max into a secluded corner. “Yeah, I know. He spent a week moping around here before deciding to get his sad puppy act together.” She explains after Max throws her a surprised look. _

 

_ “Okay. Well, I broke up with him because I didn't love him. I loved someone else.” She pauses, her eyebrows furrowed. “I love someone else. Present tense. Future tense, too, probably.” She admits. _

 

_ “Oh.” Nancy breathes. _

 

_ Max nods, shrugging her shoulders dejectedly. “Yeah.” _

 

_ “Why aren't you with him?” Nancy questions, raising her cup of eggnog and taking a sip. _

 

_ “She’s with someone.” Max tells her carefully, blue eyes trained to Nancy’s face.  _ Any movement and I’ll catch it,  _ Max thinks. _

 

_ Shock flits across Nancy’s face, but her eyes find Steve and Jonathan talking intimately by the stereo, and she nods. Relief sweeps through Max’s body, elation so bright in her eyes that she swears she can see sun spots for a moment. _

 

_ “You’re in quite the predicament, kiddo.” Nancy smiles sympathetically. “I don't know if I can help you out.” She says apologetically. _

 

_ Max shakes her head. “I didn't need you to help me out. I just needed to tell someone.” She explains. _

 

_ Nancy nods. “I understand.” There’s a beat of silence, and then All I Want for Christmas Is You starts playing over the stereo. “Want to go make fools of ourselves in front of all our friends and family?” Nancy jerks her head over at the stereo. _

 

_ “Not really, but sure. Maybe it’ll be fun.” _

 

_ The party is more fun after that, but Max can't help but let her eyes stray over to Jane and Mike. Something swells inside of her, and her ribs crack to make room for it. _

 

**_Present Day_ **

 

The day of Jane’s wedding, Max wakes up crying. Her knees are pulled up to her chest, and her spine is curved. She’s crammed herself into a ball. The time on her clock says five am on the dot, and the tears that are sliding down her freckled cheeks are warm. She sniffles once, twice, and the gray dawn tries to creep in through her curtains. She wraps her arms around her legs tightly, wishes she could straighten herself out, but she can't. Her fingernails dig into any space they can find: her knees, her thighs, her calves. She wants to straighten herself out, but there’s a weight pressing her into bed and she can't move.

 

The clock changes to five thirty, then five forty five, and at six Jane calls her.

 

“Jane?” Max’s voice cracks.

 

“Max?” Concern is clear in Jane’s voice, and maybe everything is coming to a slow crumbling halt. Maybe the earth will crack beneath her feet, and maybe the world will end. Maybe the world ended already, and Max is stuck living out the aftermath. “Are you okay?” Her voice is carefully placating, gentle in its hesitancy.

 

“Yeah, Jane. I’m fine.” A breath of air over Jane, over the soft curves and cracks of her name.

 

(In another world, she wakes up in Jane’s arms on her wedding day. Except it’s  _ their  _ wedding day. In another world.)

 

“If you say so.” There’s doubt, but Jane breezes past it. Max understands. It’s Jane’s wedding day, and Max’s feelings shouldn't be her priority. It makes sense. It does. It does. It does.

 

(How many times does she have to think it before it becomes real?)

 

“I was just calling to tell you to be safe. It’s not raining really hard, but that might change. I just thought I’d call and let you know.” There’s a beat of silence.

 

“I didn't know it was raining.” Max mumbles, finally stretching her legs out. She gets out of bed, and finds her way to the window. She pushes the curtains aside, and water drips down the wind. The pitter patter of raindrops is merely background noise to Jane’s voice.

 

Drop. Drop. Drop.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay, Max? You seem a little out of it.” Jane observes, pressing cautiously.

 

Drip. Drip. Drip.

 

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just a little tired.” Max answers, the lie fitting between her teeth perfectly.

 

They are on the cusp of something grand, something terrible. A million possibilities.

 

“Okay. Well,” Jane hesitates. Max waits. They are on the cusp of something. “Get here soon, Max. I really need your help, yeah?” She laughs.

 

The world is ending.

 

“Of course, Jane.” Max smiles as best as she can, watches the water drip down the glass. She wishes so incredibly hard for something else. “I’ll be there soon.” She promises. She hits the end call button without looking, watches one drop vanish and another one begin making its way down.

 

Jane is going to be Mrs. Wheeler, and Max is going to be the best friend.

 

That’s the way it was always going to be, though, wasn't it? Wasn't it?

 

It doesn't matter, Max decides. She’s going to be happy for Jane. She  _ is  _ happy for Jane.

 

She gets dressed. She does her hair and makeup. The umbrella she grabs is Jane’s, and she holds it high over her head as she steps out into the rain.

 

She walks to the church they’re having their wedding at. She finds Jane, and smiles at her as her as big as she can. Jane hugs her tightly, and Max relishes the feel of her in her arms.

 

She does Jane’s hair and makeup, smiling and chatting and gushing because she is Jane’s best friend and she can't be selfish. Jane is getting married, and Max can't be selfish anymore.

 

Max changes and Jane changes, and  _ wow. _

 

“Jane,” Max whispers, absolutely awe struck. “You look absolutely beautiful.” Sincerity bleeds through her words, and vulnerability runs rampant through Max’s body. It curls around her veins and whispers to her blood and bones.

 

Jane smiles, soft and sweet. “Thanks, Max.” She leans forward, hugs Max tightly. “Now let’s go walk down the aisle.” She laughs, and Max laughs because Jane is laughing.

 

_ Jane is getting married,  _ she thinks as she walks down the aisle. Lucas looks at her from Mike’s side, flicking his eyebrows up as if to say  _ finally!  _ and Max nods in agreement. They are okay. They’ve been okay for awhile now, but everything feels tentative on Jane’s wedding day.

 

_ Mrs. Jane Wheeler.  _ Max practices in her head, the shape all strange and the syllables all wrong. It’s a change, an adjustment that she must get over.

 

Jane walks down the aisle, the wedding march playing. Something swells inside of Max, squishing her lungs and stealing all her air. Love burns in her stomach, her throat, and it shows on her face. She’s got to look as besotted as Wheeler does watching his fiance walk down the aisle to him. Jane’s eyes are only on Mike, though, and pieces of her heart crumble.

 

_ Jane is getting married,  _ she thinks as Jane reaches Mike. She takes his hands, smiling with so much love in her eyes that it hurts. She thinks this throughout the vows, the promises, and the objections.

 

She says nothing, her teeth firmly in place. She smiles like she’s supposed to, and nobody knows the tears in her eyes aren't because she’s just so happy for her best friend. Nobody objects, and Max feels simultaneous relieved and heartbroken. Jane is going to marry the man of her dreams, and Max is going to watch it happen. She won't say a word because all that matters is Jane’s happiness. That’s all that matters.

 

_ Jane is getting married,  _ Max thinks.

 

“I do.”

 

The rain hits the windows harder.

 

“I do.”

 

The world is ending.

 

“You may now kiss the bride.”

 

They are on the cusp of something.

 

“Thank God!” Jane jokes, reaching up and framing Mike’s face with her hands. Her fingers fan out against his cheeks, thumbs against his jaw as she pulls him down to kiss him. His arm wraps around her lower back, and he pulls her up against him.

 

Max chokes a little, and smiles a lot. Jane is married. She’s married. She’s Mrs. Jane Wheeler.

 

Max feels absolutely devastated, but Jane is happy.

 

She’s only ever wanted Jane to be happy. Mike Wheeler makes Jane happy. They’re  _ married. _

 

Max is happy for her best friend, but she can't deny that her heart has been crushed to a fine powder.

 

Jane throws her bouquet.

 

It turns over and over in the air, spinning and spiraling. Max reaches up because something from Jane can be hers.

 

Her fingers brush petals, and she yanks. The bouquet tilts into her hand, and victory courses through Max.

 

Jane grins at her, bright and pleased.

 

Max smiles back, joyful as the rain pours down. Her smile fades as Mike touches Jane’s lower back, gesturing toward the car. They’re heading for their honeymoon which is sure to be a blast.

 

Jane leaves as Mrs. Wheeler, and Max leaves as the best friend.

 

Jane’s bouquet is clutched firmly in her hand, but she’s never felt farther from the girl she loves.


End file.
